Telephone!

Have you ever been self-conscious about talking on the phone in front of people?

I am! 

If at all possible, I will find a secluded corner somewhere and talk so quietly into my phone that the person on the other end of the line can barely hear me. 

On some occasions, this is impossible. 

Of course, it's when you have something really awkward to say. Or something to say that sounds REALLY awkward out of context.

 For example:

"Mr. Ed says we need to change the angle of attack to 30 degrees." 

What people think of: 

Mr. Ed: the horse

Change the angle of attack to 30 degrees: Attack from above with awesome ninja moves!

In actuality, Mr. Ed is an Aeronautical Engineer who is helping my and a nerdy cohort build a rubber-band powered helicopter. The angle of attack is in reference to the steepness of the blades on the propeller.

 But if  you say "Mr. Ed wants us to change the angle of attack to 30 degrees " as your entire math class is filing by you while you stand in the hallway talking on your cell phone, you'll get some pretty weird looks. 

My Math class probably thinks that I am a secret ninja working for a talking horse now.. How awesome is that?

Statistics

I just noticed that I posted 8 posts in September and 8 posts in October. I intend to outdo myself and post 10 posts during the month of November!!

Let's take a look at the statistics!

November has 30 days in it. Today is the 8th of November, and I have finished 1 post.
I have 22 days to write 9 posts. That's an average of 1 post every 2.45 days.

This doesn't take into account Thanksgiving! 1 day of making food, 1 day of stuffing your face, and 1 day to recover/kill yourself more with obsessive Christmas shopping.

So really, I only have 19 days to write 9 posts. That's a new average of 1 post every 2.11 days, or 1 every 50.66 hours.

I think that sleeping in the month of November is important. If I don't sleep, the posts will probably end up being about exploding ferrets...

Averaging between 6 and 8 hours of sleep a night, gives between 152 and 114 hours of sleep in November. (Thanksgiving holiday not included in this calculation)

304 hours remain in November that I will be awake.
 Now, I obviously can't write a blog post while I'm at work.

I work an 8 hour shift every Monday, and there are 3 Mondays remaining. There go another 24 hours of my time.

(If you're getting confused with all of this superfluous mathematics, we now have 280 hours remaining in November).

9 more posts in 280 hours doesn't SOUND bad, right? That ends up being 1 post every 1.29 days!

Don't even get me started on the time that I will have to spend in class, doing homework, and driving everywhere.

On the other hand, if I just wrote 9 posts this month, I would have 1.5 days to write a single post....

 I'm thinking that I should have made this a 2 post article!

Update: By Popular demand: A picture. 

Phone Number

Once upon a time, I went grocery shopping with my mom.

While we were shopping I played with my mp3 player in my coat pocket. When we got to the checkout line I realized that it was no longer in my pocket.

 I walked around the ENTIRE store while my Mom got her groceries checked out.

Alas,  I did not have the moment of pure joy that I had anticipated upon the event of finding my mp3 player. I was one sad duckling. The prospect of having to live in music-less world was enough to make me despair!

I shuffled back to my Mom, who had finished paying for her groceries and was waiting at the front of the store with the bag boy. She informed me to go to the manager, give him a description of my mp3 player and my phone number and ask him to call me if he found anything. 

I walked away, just in time to hear the bag boy mutter to my mom: 

"Do you think that she'd give ME her number? " 

My Mom just laughed, but I was careful to stand far away from the bag boy as he carried the groceries out to our car. 

Halfway home, I noticed a weird lump in my coat. 

My MP3 player!!!!! 

It had fallen into the lining of my coat from a tiny hole in my pocket that I hadn't noticed. 

I was rescued from a future of music-less gloom!!!

And then I realized...

My Phone number was still in a drawer at the grocery store where the bag-boy had access to it. But hey, I was still safe from a future of music-less gloom!!! 

Once upon a time...

Working at "that place" is always a bundle of laughs.

Okay, that might be a bit of an overstatement. Every workplace has it's quirks and challenges, but I have had more than my fair share of hilarious comments from customers. 

Here are the top 85 inane comments I have gotten over the past 2 months. 

5. "Can I please have a Happy Meal with 4 Mcnuggets?" 

For all of you obsessive fans of my blog, I'll give you a hint as to where I work: NOT McDonalds. 

4. A blonde walks up to the counter while talking on her cell phone.

She starts talking to someone on her phone: "Hey, dude, I'm at Moe's do you want something? No..... wait a second...... I don't think that this is Moes"

She looks over at me. 

"Hey. Where are we?"

I was tempted to reply with some sarcastic comment, but I just smiled: "You're at "That Place". 

3.  

Dude: "How many calories are in your healthiest sandwich?"

Me:     "270"

Dude: "Awesome. I'd like one, and a large chocolate shake!"

I made his shake and brought back over to him. 

"You do know that a large chocolate shake has 1020 calories, right?"

He stared at me for a second.  "Right...." Then he winked at me. 

"Just don't tell my wife, Okay?"

#2. " Can you burn my nuggets? "

My first thought was that she was completely kidding, but she actually wanted her nuggets to be cooked 3 times.  In my opinion, once something has been fried more than once, it no longer counts as sustenance. 

#1. 

Number one requires a little explanation. I worked the drive through window during the lunch hour one day. One guy came through and had 4 large bags of food waiting for him. 

I jokingly asked him how many people he had in is truck. 

"97 Mexicans!" was his reply. 

Not 5.. not 10...........97 Mexicans. 

     

That dude seriously made my day. 

Conspiracy Theory

Sometimes things conspire against you.
One day your life is fine, you're getting everything done in a timely manner then WHAM!

One thing goes wrong.

One itty-bitty, tiny thing. The toaster sets your toast on fire, or the shower feels like it's showering you with ice cubes instead of water.

Then your whole entire day proceeds to go horribly wrong.

The next thing you know someone says something completely trivial like: "What's up with your hair?" and you get upset.

The other person walks away confused, thinking that people shouldn't get emotional over things like toasters. 

You then feel bad inside for over-reacting. 

Now two things have gone wrong. You're annoyed that your toaster blew up, and that you can't communicate with normal human beings anymore. 

Your day just keeps getting better, until you feel like acting like your toaster and blowing up something too.

  (and apparently dying your hair blue). 

The moral of the story is: Don't let your toaster catch fire unless you really want to dye your hair blue. 

Superglue

Superglue is pretty awesome stuff.
It can stick ANYTHING to anything else. So what happens when you spill a whole bottle on your hand?

Pain... and stickiness.

If you haven't guessed already, I spilled half a bottle of superglu  on my hands today. (For those of you who wonder how on earth I did that, it was one of those bottles that uses a brush, instead of a squeezing - thingy. )

My first thought was "Oh no! I'd better take my ring off!". Which I did.

I pulled my ring halfway up my finger before the superglue completely activated.
In my efforts to save my ring, I ended up cutting off the circulation to my finger.

Lots of  good a ring would do me  if I had no finger to put it on!

A quick jaunt around the house showed that my Mom was asleep and my Dad was out. I was afraid of losing my finger when I remembered that Nic, a local kid who helps us out with our yard work was there.

I ran outside.
"Nic! Can you help me for a minute?"

I told him what had happened. He laughed.
"How do you spill a whole bottle of superglue on your hand?"

"Acidentally!"
 I showed him my ring. He tried to restrain his laughter.

He ends up holding my ring with two hands and pulling one way while I pulled the other. Just like in one of those old slapstick- comedy movies.


It took us about 5 minutes to get it off. We suceeded.

My ring and my finger are safe .

Dear X

Did I mention before that inanimate objects seem to hate me?
I'm convinced that they do!

They like to do little things to annoy me.


Dear Stapler:
Why do you get jammed when I'm on my way out the door?

Dear Cell Phone: What is wrong with you???

My Cell phone likes to ring at the most inopportune moments. This falls under the category of  "when I forget to turn my ringer off".

Most importantly my Alarm Clock and I need to have a talk.

Dear Alarm Clock: Why do you hate me so much?
Why do you wake me up in the middle of a good dream?
Why do you never wake me up when I have to be somewhere early in the morning?

Would you like me better if I didn't whack you every morning to shut you up?
Should I name you to show my appreciation for everything that you've (not) done for me?



Dear Coffee Maker:
I Love You. That is all.