Once upon a time...

Working at "that place" is always a bundle of laughs.

Okay, that might be a bit of an overstatement. Every workplace has it's quirks and challenges, but I have had more than my fair share of hilarious comments from customers. 

Here are the top 85 inane comments I have gotten over the past 2 months. 

5. "Can I please have a Happy Meal with 4 Mcnuggets?" 

For all of you obsessive fans of my blog, I'll give you a hint as to where I work: NOT McDonalds. 

4. A blonde walks up to the counter while talking on her cell phone.

She starts talking to someone on her phone: "Hey, dude, I'm at Moe's do you want something? No..... wait a second...... I don't think that this is Moes"

She looks over at me. 

"Hey. Where are we?"

I was tempted to reply with some sarcastic comment, but I just smiled: "You're at "That Place". 

3.  

Dude: "How many calories are in your healthiest sandwich?"

Me:     "270"

Dude: "Awesome. I'd like one, and a large chocolate shake!"

I made his shake and brought back over to him. 

"You do know that a large chocolate shake has 1020 calories, right?"

He stared at me for a second.  "Right...." Then he winked at me. 

"Just don't tell my wife, Okay?"

#2. " Can you burn my nuggets? "

My first thought was that she was completely kidding, but she actually wanted her nuggets to be cooked 3 times.  In my opinion, once something has been fried more than once, it no longer counts as sustenance. 

#1. 

Number one requires a little explanation. I worked the drive through window during the lunch hour one day. One guy came through and had 4 large bags of food waiting for him. 

I jokingly asked him how many people he had in is truck. 

"97 Mexicans!" was his reply. 

Not 5.. not 10...........97 Mexicans. 

     

That dude seriously made my day. 

Conspiracy Theory

Sometimes things conspire against you.
One day your life is fine, you're getting everything done in a timely manner then WHAM!

One thing goes wrong.

One itty-bitty, tiny thing. The toaster sets your toast on fire, or the shower feels like it's showering you with ice cubes instead of water.

Then your whole entire day proceeds to go horribly wrong.

The next thing you know someone says something completely trivial like: "What's up with your hair?" and you get upset.

The other person walks away confused, thinking that people shouldn't get emotional over things like toasters. 

You then feel bad inside for over-reacting. 

Now two things have gone wrong. You're annoyed that your toaster blew up, and that you can't communicate with normal human beings anymore. 

Your day just keeps getting better, until you feel like acting like your toaster and blowing up something too.

  (and apparently dying your hair blue). 

The moral of the story is: Don't let your toaster catch fire unless you really want to dye your hair blue. 

Superglue

Superglue is pretty awesome stuff.
It can stick ANYTHING to anything else. So what happens when you spill a whole bottle on your hand?

Pain... and stickiness.

If you haven't guessed already, I spilled half a bottle of superglu  on my hands today. (For those of you who wonder how on earth I did that, it was one of those bottles that uses a brush, instead of a squeezing - thingy. )

My first thought was "Oh no! I'd better take my ring off!". Which I did.

I pulled my ring halfway up my finger before the superglue completely activated.
In my efforts to save my ring, I ended up cutting off the circulation to my finger.

Lots of  good a ring would do me  if I had no finger to put it on!

A quick jaunt around the house showed that my Mom was asleep and my Dad was out. I was afraid of losing my finger when I remembered that Nic, a local kid who helps us out with our yard work was there.

I ran outside.
"Nic! Can you help me for a minute?"

I told him what had happened. He laughed.
"How do you spill a whole bottle of superglue on your hand?"

"Acidentally!"
 I showed him my ring. He tried to restrain his laughter.

He ends up holding my ring with two hands and pulling one way while I pulled the other. Just like in one of those old slapstick- comedy movies.


It took us about 5 minutes to get it off. We suceeded.

My ring and my finger are safe .

Dear X

Did I mention before that inanimate objects seem to hate me?
I'm convinced that they do!

They like to do little things to annoy me.


Dear Stapler:
Why do you get jammed when I'm on my way out the door?

Dear Cell Phone: What is wrong with you???

My Cell phone likes to ring at the most inopportune moments. This falls under the category of  "when I forget to turn my ringer off".

Most importantly my Alarm Clock and I need to have a talk.

Dear Alarm Clock: Why do you hate me so much?
Why do you wake me up in the middle of a good dream?
Why do you never wake me up when I have to be somewhere early in the morning?

Would you like me better if I didn't whack you every morning to shut you up?
Should I name you to show my appreciation for everything that you've (not) done for me?



Dear Coffee Maker:
I Love You. That is all.

Ode to Cake

I just found out that today is National Cake Decorating Day. 

I have decided to honor this momentous day with an "Ode to Cake."

Cake

It comes in all shapes and sizes. 

If you're really persistent, you can make it look like Minas Tirith!

             

Cake itself is not loved.  It often ends up being a set of dry crumbs held together with delicious glue. 

90% of people eat cake ONLY for the frosting. 

The other 10% can't handle the awesomeness. 

That's why there is a national cake decorating day. There is no national "make the inside of your cake taste good" day. Why? Because no one cares about it! It's all about the icing. 

YUM

 

I find myself frequently googling my blog topics to find inspiration.  Here are a select few. 

Let them eat cake- Marie Antoinette

Birthdays are Nature's way of telling us to eat more cake. - Unknown 

This Unknown person is a genius. Cake is a necessary for life. Why else would you be motivated to celebrate your birthday once you pass the age of 50?

A Great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges - Benjamin Franklin

'nuff said.

But most importantly: THE CAKE IS A LIE!

Quoteably Quaint

"Bacon!!!!!!"

I was working in the library at my college and I glanced over at the wall. There was an inscription on the wall of 

"Bacon!!!!!!!!!!".

 It made my day. 

"Better living through bacon!"

-JT

Yeah.. that's not going to come from eating bacon cupcakes. 

                       

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"The best way to test Newton's Third Law is to run into a wall! You will exert a force on the wall, but it will exert an equal force on you and you will fall over! "

- my physics professor

Because running into a wall is the smartest thing ever!!

I'm so stupid you can smell it!

- Beriothien

PVC: Please Visit Canada

Last Friday I was on an urgent quest to find 1/4 PVC pipe.

I knew that such an item existed. After all, I had found some on Google for 97 cents a foot. 

The thing was, the incredibly priced PVC was located in Canada. 

Yeah, WAY up there in the Canadian there seems to be a top secret stockpile of PVC. 

I am, however an impatient person.  I needed that PVC pipe now! 

I resolved to call all of the local plumbing supply stores to see if there was any in my city. 

I ended up having some very interesting phone conversations. 

ABC Plumbing Co. 

Me: " Hi, I was wondering if you carried any 1/4 inch Supply 40 PVC."

Receptionist: "Yes ma'am. I can check that for you. What is your company's name?" 

Me: "Uh.... I'm a student. I 'm just looking for about 3 ft of PVC"

At this point I just wanted to get off the phone.....

Receptionist: " Your college probably has an account that we can use for this transaction. The nearest supply is in Canada. I can have 1000 feet here for you next Wednesday." 

Me: "Uh.... Thank you for your time." 

XYZ City Plumbing. 

Me: "Hi... Do you have any 1/4 inch PVC Supply 40 in stock?"

Receptionist: "Say What?"

Me:" Do you have any 1/4 inch PVC in  your store?"

Receptionist: " I don't know why on earth we would have any. 1/4 inch PVC doesn't exist! They don't make PVC smaller than 3/4 inches! 

***************************

This probably wasn't the best time to mention that I was holding a piece of 1/2 inch PVC pipe. (That's smaller than 3/4 inch for our mathematically challenged readers). Unfortunately.... I did mention it. 

****************************

Receptionist: "You obnoxious kids! I am sick of your pranks, ya hear! I would KNOW if 1/4 inch PVC pipe existed. 

And then she hung up on me. People are weird. 

Sparks Fly

Ever had someone jump out from behind a door and scare you? This happened to me today, on an epic scale.

My Dad and I went on a car trip.

I have a fancy nerd-gadget that I can plug into the car outlet and play my mp3 player over the radio with. I plugged it in, and it didn't turn on.

Inanimate objects sometimes seem to have a vendetta against me.

Sometimes it just seems that things go out of their way to annoy me This gadget was no exception, or so I thought. 

I pulled out the gadget, and peeked into the outlet. 

Lo and behold, the obnoxious penny had made it's way into my dad's car!!!

Speeding down the highway at 80 mph, what else did I decide to do but remove the offending penny. 

I couldn't let it destroy another day for me! I grabbed a pen out of my purse and started poking the penny, trying to make it flip up onto it's side so I could pull it out. 

I don't know about you, but I'm paranoid about getting electrocuted when I stick things into an outlet of any kind.

I finally got the penny flipped onto it's side. I held my breath as I stuck my fingers into a live outlet to remove it. 

What does my Dad do? Swerve into the other lane and start screaming. I jumped, and surely had my lifespan shortened by ten years. I'm sure my face was priceless.

 But, the penny came out, and the day was saved. We got to go down the highway listening to really cool music. I got to throw that penny away at the next random gas station.
Still it lies in wait.

I beg of you, especially to any of you who frequent a gas station in the backwoods: This penny gave me one terrible day and took ten years away from my life. It might look harmless.......

but it will HAUNT you forever.